Concerns about picking an egg donor!!

I got this email from a lady I have been talking to about egg donation- I wanted to share her concerns and my comments. . .


Hi Rebecca,
Thanks so much for your reply. We had our appointment on Friday, we left the office a bit nervous but overall feeling optimistic. Then when we got home and started looking at the pictures of the donors... total meltdown. I kept thinking "they aren't me"... All these old feelings came flooding back. Stuff I thought I had gotten past. Then I proceeded to think counter productively; about expenses. I started asking myself questions like "what if it doesn't work?" "What it I regret this particular donor?" "What if it does work and something goes wrong during the pregnancy?" etc. This lasted a little more than an hour.
Today I feel better, but I feel sort of stuck. Sorry, I probably make no sense. I'll do my best to explain... I think I feel scared of going back into the donor site. It sounds silly, and part of me is screaming into my ear to just get over myself. Is this all normal?

My reply:

Absolutely!! I had to look at about 100+ donors before I found some that I liked. Its a major freak out and soooo abnormal finding part of the genetic make up of your child as if you were shopping for a used car. It took me a long time to get past that! If you stick it out you will eventually find the right donor.
Like-have you been house shopping lately? When we were I thought that we would never find a house. Either I didn't like that floor plan, not enough storage, bad location- nothing was coming together- until one day when we looked at our current house and when we walked in-it felt like home. Well that's kind of the feeling you will get with the right donor.
As far as that money- yes it is outrageously expensive! But adoption is expensive as well. What if it doesn't work- well you have to mentally prepare yourself for that. We decided going in- we are willing to give this 2 tries. If it doesn't work - it wasn't meant to be- we will try to adopt. We got lucky and it did work on the first try. If it hadn't- I would have been devastated- but I was willing to try one more time.
What if something goes wrong in the pregnancy- I had 2 pretty major scares- I started bleeding like a pig when I was about 9-10 week into the pregnancy and thought that I was losing the baby- I prayed my butt off and that wound up okay. Then 28 weeks into it the blood tests showed that I had warm antibodies in me blood and that they might attack the baby's blood and she might have to be given in-utero blood transfusions. Again- that wound up to be nothing- but both things freaked me out completely!! There are so many things that can go wrong in a pregnancy! There are so many things that can go wrong with a child. Again- you have to come to peace with this. If you use a young donor with a clean family history there should be very little fear of Down's or things like that associated with older moms.
I feel your pain- girl!! Been there done that! Change the way you are thinking about this or you will never get through it. Remember- this is only one small but very important part of your future child. The donor will never meet you or your family. All she really needs to have is clean health and mental histories (at least for genetic linked things) and a kind face. What else is important to you? We wanted someone with a little height because my husband's family are all shorties. We wanted someone smart and pretty. I wanted a girl that if I was put up next to her someone could imagine that we could be related somehow (like cousins even).
Again let me reiterate- once you get pregnant and have your baby- you will rarely if ever think about the donor again. So all this crap that you are feeling - although normal- amounts to nothing in the end! You will have a beautiful little baby that you will raise. You will be their mother- not the face on that donor page. She is only one tiny piece of a enormous puzzle that will make that child who he/she will be.
How that helps a little!

To Anyone Thinking About Egg Donation!

I was asked some questions recently by a woman that is preparing to go through the egg donation process- here is my reply to some of her questions- it may answer some other people's question's as well. . .


I just want to let you know that you don't need to be scared- at least not about certain things! Like when I was going into this whole thing I was terrified that I would not look at the child as my own- since I did not produce the egg- I thought that it would be too weird and that I wouldn't be able to live with it. I couldn't have been more wrong!!!!
I rarely think about the donation. Well except lately, because we are thinking about doing it again. I mean from the moment that they heard her little heartbeat with the Doppler I felt such a connection! I think that the experience of pregnancy is so awesome and I thought that I had been robbed of that experience. The donor enabled me to experience the coolest feeling on earth. I don't tell just everyone about the egg donation- because some people just don't understand. How could they? Our options are weird at best.
If you are going to do this you have to decide that the egg is only one part of the puzzle. I have talked to my daughter about this from the time that she could talk. I tell her that Mommy wanted a baby and that I didn't have all the right pieces to make one. I tell her that a nice lady who we will never meet gave us a wonderful and amazing gift- the piece that I was missing to make the baby! I tell her that the doctors took a piece from daddy and a piece from the lady and put it in mommy. Then Mommy made the baby grow! I compare it to a plant or baking a cake - things that she can understand. She is only 3 but she is so smart- she asked me if we could meet the lady that helped us and I told her no - that she wanted to give us a present without us knowing who she was- like a secret Santa- she seemed to understand that. She is totally fine with it. I mean I carried her, nursed her, stay up with her when she is sick. . . I am her mother. Just as you will be your child's mother. That egg- its only an egg. You will make it into a baby. Your love will turn that baby into your child. I don't look at Vivian and think about the donor. Neither does my family. She acts just like me . She looks a lot like her dad- but not unlike me.
I would say things to look for in a donor- youth!!!, someone who looks similar to either you/your family/ your husband/your husband's family, clean from psychiatric illness and any genetic linked disease (certain cancers for sure), successful past donation is good but not necessary, local to you is cheaper!, available in your time frame. I would narrow your choices to 2-3 and then see who is available and go from there. Our donor was not our 1st choice- but obviously it wound up OK.
The 1st thing you need to do is find those 2-3 donors that you like. Then they will do a psych screening on you and your spouse and make sure that the girl you want is still available. From there you start preparing your womb!! They will give you a calendar and tell you what to take and when- usually Estrace and Prometrium or something similar- there will be different doses on different days- they will want you to have at least one good menstrual period before the transfer if not two. They will do a "saline sonogram' (inject saline into your cervix- uncomfortable but not horrible) to check if your uterus is the right thickness. Once your uterus is the right thickness (at the same time they are doing things to the donor to prepare her for the retrieval) and the donor is ready- then they schedule her retrieval day and your transfer day will be 5 days later. That is nerve racking!! She starts off with a bunch of eggs and they put them with your husband's sperm and then the waiting game starts! We went from 20 eggs to only 2 viable blastocysts on day 5!! Thank God one took!!

Basically we were told by our wonderful doctor (Dr. Alfred Rodriguez in Plano Texas- the BEST!!!) that if the uterus is good (which they can make sure it is) and the donor is young (21-24 preferably) there is no real reason that you can't get pregnant. He has a 80-90% success rate- although he thinks higher in favorable cases like I just described. It was nerve racking! Don't get me wrong. We had spotting and bleeding at times and I was convinced that I would not carry that baby to term- but it all worked out!! You are in for the ride of your life- but whatever it takes- it is totally worth it!!!

Update- thinking about number 2!

I have not written anything in awhile. So here is the latest with our little family! Vivian is almost 4 years old!! Time flies when you are having fun! She is the coolest little girl ever. Really she is a rock star!! I am seriously thinking about number two at this point. She isn't a baby anymore, I just turned 38, my DH turned 40. . . We need to poop or get off the pot!
My only misgivings are of course the expense; what if it doesn't work; what if it does work and we have a multiple birth (yikes!); what if they aren't as fabulous as Vivian. . .
About a year ago we were seriously considering IVF again and contacted the agency to see if our donor was still available. Well through a series of events we had signed up to have her donate again and then apparently she got married and moved out of the area. Then something weird happened. She was in the process of getting an updated medical history and apparently her father had been recently diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. So of course I freaked out and wanted more information. This turned into a big problem and a lesson learned as far as donor pregnancies go. Of course the whole time we are going through the donor agency and the reproductive endocrinologist's office and are not speaking with her directly. I'm sure a lot was lost in the translation. We found out that her father went in to see a doctor due to pain in his leg/hip and was told he had a form of MD. They also said that her father is over 300 pounds and that he had a lot of old football injuries and that was what they thought this was. I looked up everything I could about this condition and I am really not convinced that he was diagnosed correctly. But in the meantime the donor got freaked out and decided that she would not donate eggs again. I was pretty upset for a lot of reasons. I wanted a sibling for Vivian that was from the same egg donor- but this is not to be. Also I was freaked out that Vivian could possibly develop MD.
There are so many unknowns with Egg Donation. I spoke with the Egg Donation Agency and asked what their policy was on notifying couples if donors have changes in medical histories. There is no policy, apparently. So in a case like this if we had not been trying to use this donor again we would have never found out about the possible family history of Muscular Dystrophy(MD). This is a little alarming. But I guess if you think about it- with adoption you wouldn't know about any changes either.
I can only pray that the donor's father was misdiagnosed and that Vivian will never have any problems but there are no guarantees in life.
This be itself will not prevent us from using Egg Donation again. I mean we really didn't have very many options and I believe that this was the best thing for our family.
I will say it again and again- I NEVER THINK ABOUT THE EGG DONATION- unless for instance something like this comes up. On a day to day basis I forget that she is anything but mine mine mine. She acts like me and looks like her father. She is an amazing little person and I am so lucky to have her.
We have already started the discussion with Vivian about the way she was conceived- at least to the best that her 3 year old mind can understand. I found a couple of books (see above pictures) which really helped to open up the dialog between us. She understands that a "nice lady" helped me to have her. That I was missing a piece that I needed to make a baby and that she gave us the piece that we needed. She asked if we could meet the lady to thank her and I told her that she was like a Secret Santa- that we didn't know her name or where she lives- but that we could thank God for her in our prayers. She seems totally fine with this. Of course as she gets older the questions will get harder but I feel like talking to her about this now and making it just sort of "matter of fact" will prevent any hurt feelings later on.

On the Radio

I was in the Winter 2006 edition of Conceive Magazine in the "A Family is Born" section. I was then asked to be a guest on the internet radio show in February. HERE is a link to the webcast of that show- just more of what this blog is about!

Also I wanted to make sure that everyone knows that they can feel free to contact me- if you are going through the same thing or have any questions- I will respond to any comments ASAP. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

Here comes Baby!!!

So I called Mike and told him that the doctor wanted to admit me that night to induce me the next morning. I think he was more freaked out than I was. He had a terrible cold and was afraid about giving it to the new baby. But like it or not she was coming!! Because of the warm antibody problem the doctors really wanted her out of me. So I went home and packed a bag. That evening they placed a vaginal suppository to help with the dilation and effacement I guess. I also got a nice Ambien (sleeping pill) and got the last good night's sleep that I can remember. The next morning I went into the labor and delivery rooms and they started the Pitocin drip - I was going to try and be a hero and go without an epidural as long as possible. Hardy har har. More about that later.

So things progressed at what seemed like a nice rate. They started the medication at about 9am and I remember I was talking to my father at about 11 or 11:30am when my water broke. That was such a strange feeling. Not really like peeing yourself but close! And it felt like it would never stop coming out! There is a kind of funny story when my sister was having her daughter and her water broke- it was my mom, my grandmother, my sister and I in the delivery room and one of us mentioned that the amniotic fluid had a very odd but familiar odor to it. The doctor was in the room and said - "Oh yeah- it smells like semen." My 80+ year old grandmother them gets a funny look in her eyes and says "Oh yes that's what it is." To say I was mortified /intrigued to find out the grandma and grandad were still tripping the light fantastic is an understatement. I will remember that until the day I die.

But back to me- after the water broke I had a string of visitors I wasn't really hurting that bad, at some point Mike left with his sister to do God knows what and left me with my sister. At about 2pm I really started to feel it. They had checked me an hour earlier and I was dilated to like a 4. One hour later I was at a 9. I was really feeling it now and started to panic. No one tells you this but labor doesn't so much feel like period cramps- for me it felt more like I had to go poopie really bad- but the turd was 6 and a half pounds and pressing on my lower back. Not a pleasant sensation at all!! Mike was still gone- I thought - "that jackass is going to miss the whole thing if he doesn't get back soon." So I lost it- I tried a shot of Demerol and that did nothing. So I gave in and called in the anesthesiologist for my epidural. What a relief!!
Mike finally showed back up right as they are telling me its time to push at about 4:30 or 5pm. I pushed for only about 1 hour not too bad by my estimation. And out popped Vivian. Mike and my mother were in the room at least Mike was. My mom in her infinite bad timing decided that she needed to wash her hands 2 seconds before the baby popped out! I had been looking in the mirror and all I remember thinking was - oh my God look at the size of my Coochie! Not cute. Mike said that when Viv came out it looked like she was coming out of the Schlitterbahn ( a water slide in South Texas). She was so tiny- she looked so grumpy when she came out - kind of like her daddy when he gets woken up from a good nap. She immediately peed on the doctor and started screaming!! Yea!!
The whole thing felt so surreal - perhaps it was the drugs pumping through the epidural but I remember lying there thinking - oh my God what do I do now! She was so little and so loud and so REAL. I never thought this day would come. But December 29th, 2004 I became a Mommy!

Bumps in the Road- miscarriage scare, and what the hell are "warm antibodies?"

So things were moving right along- I had to take those damn progesterone shots everyday- not fun I tell you. The progesterone is oil-based and VERY thick- so it was a little like taking peanut butter injections- my butt was a mass of lumps and bruises- VERY attractive I'm sure. I felt fine otherwise though. So on May 13th we had the 1st of many sonograms and there was only one embryo in there with a very strong heartbeat. We felt very hopeful but even then i wasn't celebrating too much- I knew that so many things can go wrong! And wouldn't you know it on May 19th when I was only 5 weeks along I was at work and when I went to the bathroom I started gushing blood. I just knew that was it. I was miscarrying. I ran out of work and called my husband and my mother and told them to meet me at the doctor. They were going to take me in for an immediate sonogram. The baby was still okay with a very strong heartbeat. But there was a huge pocket of blood called a subchorionic hematoma which if it continued to bleed would cause me to have a miscarriage. The OB/Gyn (Dr. Fogwell) told me that I had a 50/50 chance of miscarrying the baby. Then told me to go home and try bed rest- although he also said that bed rest probably wouldn't make anything better. Bed rest was more like a psychological band aid- it makes you feel like you are at least doing something to help in a helpless situation. By the next day I no longer had the bright red blood - I was now just having a small amount of brownish blood- I took this as a good sign. Like I wasn't bleeding anymore- and this was just the old stuff coming out. I spoke with the nurse at my infertility doctor's office and she told me that I should try not to worry too much because this problem is fairly common after having IVF- she acted like it was no big deal. This made me feel a whole lot better after all the miscarriage talk from Dr. Fogwell. I had an appointment with a perinatologist (doctor who specializes in troubled pregnancies basically) the following day and they did a very fancy ultrasound. He (Dr. Patton) told us that the baby looked strong and that the bleed looked small and inactive. He told us our chances were great that everything would be OK! I even wrote in my little pregnancy journal that day " We feel better - but I will be happy when all the blood is gone and this 1st trimester is over . This kid is freaking me out!"
I have to mention my Aunt Carolyn gave me a little medallion and a novena card for Saint Gerard right around the time we were getting into this whole thing. Saint Gerard is the patron saint for mothers. I started saying that novena "religiously" (no pun intended) from the moment we started the IVF process. I think it helped. I really do. I'm not even a Catholic but a was praying that novena like a bonafide Catholic everyday multiple times a day.
After that scare resolved I motored along just fine- I really felt okay- I was not having any morning sickness to speak of- just a little heartburn. I wrote in my journal on June 4th (7 weeks along)- "Mom brought me to get maternity clothes today. Still feels pretty unreal (being pregnant). I'll believe it when I can feel it. I guess I'm paranoid or I'm protecting myself- But this is all very surreal right now. I'm sure after we get past this 1st trimester I'll feel more secure. We'll see."

They heard the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler on my mother's birthday (June 10th) and then they could start weaning me off the Progesterone shots- my 1st trimester came to an end on June 24th. I was still feeling so worried and I wrote alot in my journal about how I didn't "feel or look pregnant."
I found out on August 10th when I was 17 weeks along that we were having a girl. We were so excited-I felt like the pregnancy was now legit!!
Another weird thing happened at my 28 week check- when they did the regular labwork they found warm antibodies in my blood- the concern being that my blood would attack the babies blood and cause her to become anemic. Now we have to see the perinatologist once a week for a fancy sonogram to make sure she is okay- this is fine with me - I love the sonograms and seeing her moving around in there- it makes me feel so much better!!
Around 31 weeks along I started to have some horrible rib pain. I swear it felt like she broke my ribs. It was miserable for about a week and then miraculously it stopped one day. I assume she moved! Finally at my 39 week check they decided that she was big enough (6 1/2 pounds by sonogram) and decided that I should go in the hospital on December 28th to be induced- exactly 1 week early. I was freaked out this was real- I was really going to be a mom. Yikes!!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part- Embryo Transfer and waiting to see if we are pregnant

So its funny the things that you remember. You have to have a full bladder before the transfer- because it tilts the uterus just right or something- so I drank like a 44 ounce cup of water on the way to the hospital. I don't remember exactly but I think that they gave me something like a Valium or an Ativan to calm me down and then they brought me and my husband into the room to do the transfer. They told us at that point that we had 2 blastocysts and that they were graded at a "B" and a "C." My doctor asked if we wanted to transfer only one or both- I told him both without hesitation. I thought that if there were not "A" quality that if we put 2 in at least one would "take." So I was lying there having to pee like crazy and they let my husband - Mike- look through the microscope to see the little blastocysts that would hopefully become our children. They even took a picture which I attached to the previous entry.
They then placed a little rubber catheter into the opening of the uterus (cervix) and basically squirted the little critters into me. It was so fast. I was expecting to feel something "big" but really all I could think about was how bad I had to pee and how I didn't want to because I was afraid that I would pee the babies out!! They had my hips up on a pillow and wheeled me out into a waiting room and I had to lie there for about 30-60 minutes. I was freaking out because I had to pee so bad but wanted to hold it. Finally after the correct amount of time had passed they allowed me to go the bathroom on a bedpan. I remember thinking - even though I am a registered nurse and I "know" that it is physically impossible- but in my mind I really thought that I had "peed the babies out"- maybe it was the Valium. I didn't want to sit up and I definitely didn't want to walk or to stand up but I had to get to the car somehow- they wheeled me down to the car in a wheelchair and I quickly got into the car and laid down in the backseat. Again thinking that just standing up made the babies flop out. I was a wreck!!
When we got home I did not want to get up from the couch. I was so afraid that any movement would disturb the little guys from implanting. I just laid there thinking the worst but hoping for the best. They told me that I only needed 2 days of bed rest but I don't think that I got up for 3 days except to go to the bathroom. I also started on the progesterone shots which were quite literally a pain in the ass. At some point about 6 days after the transfer I started spotting- I thought that was it. I freaked out completely - I called the doctor and they assured me that it could be nothing- that it could be from the embryo implanting. When you have the procedure done they warn you against doing a home pregnancy test. They tell you that you go home and wait 9 days and then go in for a blood test to see if you are pregnant. That was the longest 9 days of my life. I was convinced that if hadn't worked because of the spotting that I had. So when the day came for the blood test I was expecting them to tell me that I was not pregnant.
I gave the blood in the morning and then went to work - I was working as a school nurse at a middle school at the time. I told them that I wanted them to call my husband with the results because I would rather hear the bad news from him than from a stranger. I got the call from Mike around lunchtime- I was pregnant and the "numbers" were pretty high which could mean that I had twins but we would have a sonogram to see at 5 weeks. I would continue on Progesterone shots daily and go in for weekly lab work to make sure that the pregnancy hormones were going up and the progesterone levels were right. So I was actually pregnant. I could not believe it. I was shocked- and so very very happy!!