Here comes Baby!!!

So I called Mike and told him that the doctor wanted to admit me that night to induce me the next morning. I think he was more freaked out than I was. He had a terrible cold and was afraid about giving it to the new baby. But like it or not she was coming!! Because of the warm antibody problem the doctors really wanted her out of me. So I went home and packed a bag. That evening they placed a vaginal suppository to help with the dilation and effacement I guess. I also got a nice Ambien (sleeping pill) and got the last good night's sleep that I can remember. The next morning I went into the labor and delivery rooms and they started the Pitocin drip - I was going to try and be a hero and go without an epidural as long as possible. Hardy har har. More about that later.

So things progressed at what seemed like a nice rate. They started the medication at about 9am and I remember I was talking to my father at about 11 or 11:30am when my water broke. That was such a strange feeling. Not really like peeing yourself but close! And it felt like it would never stop coming out! There is a kind of funny story when my sister was having her daughter and her water broke- it was my mom, my grandmother, my sister and I in the delivery room and one of us mentioned that the amniotic fluid had a very odd but familiar odor to it. The doctor was in the room and said - "Oh yeah- it smells like semen." My 80+ year old grandmother them gets a funny look in her eyes and says "Oh yes that's what it is." To say I was mortified /intrigued to find out the grandma and grandad were still tripping the light fantastic is an understatement. I will remember that until the day I die.

But back to me- after the water broke I had a string of visitors I wasn't really hurting that bad, at some point Mike left with his sister to do God knows what and left me with my sister. At about 2pm I really started to feel it. They had checked me an hour earlier and I was dilated to like a 4. One hour later I was at a 9. I was really feeling it now and started to panic. No one tells you this but labor doesn't so much feel like period cramps- for me it felt more like I had to go poopie really bad- but the turd was 6 and a half pounds and pressing on my lower back. Not a pleasant sensation at all!! Mike was still gone- I thought - "that jackass is going to miss the whole thing if he doesn't get back soon." So I lost it- I tried a shot of Demerol and that did nothing. So I gave in and called in the anesthesiologist for my epidural. What a relief!!
Mike finally showed back up right as they are telling me its time to push at about 4:30 or 5pm. I pushed for only about 1 hour not too bad by my estimation. And out popped Vivian. Mike and my mother were in the room at least Mike was. My mom in her infinite bad timing decided that she needed to wash her hands 2 seconds before the baby popped out! I had been looking in the mirror and all I remember thinking was - oh my God look at the size of my Coochie! Not cute. Mike said that when Viv came out it looked like she was coming out of the Schlitterbahn ( a water slide in South Texas). She was so tiny- she looked so grumpy when she came out - kind of like her daddy when he gets woken up from a good nap. She immediately peed on the doctor and started screaming!! Yea!!
The whole thing felt so surreal - perhaps it was the drugs pumping through the epidural but I remember lying there thinking - oh my God what do I do now! She was so little and so loud and so REAL. I never thought this day would come. But December 29th, 2004 I became a Mommy!

Bumps in the Road- miscarriage scare, and what the hell are "warm antibodies?"

So things were moving right along- I had to take those damn progesterone shots everyday- not fun I tell you. The progesterone is oil-based and VERY thick- so it was a little like taking peanut butter injections- my butt was a mass of lumps and bruises- VERY attractive I'm sure. I felt fine otherwise though. So on May 13th we had the 1st of many sonograms and there was only one embryo in there with a very strong heartbeat. We felt very hopeful but even then i wasn't celebrating too much- I knew that so many things can go wrong! And wouldn't you know it on May 19th when I was only 5 weeks along I was at work and when I went to the bathroom I started gushing blood. I just knew that was it. I was miscarrying. I ran out of work and called my husband and my mother and told them to meet me at the doctor. They were going to take me in for an immediate sonogram. The baby was still okay with a very strong heartbeat. But there was a huge pocket of blood called a subchorionic hematoma which if it continued to bleed would cause me to have a miscarriage. The OB/Gyn (Dr. Fogwell) told me that I had a 50/50 chance of miscarrying the baby. Then told me to go home and try bed rest- although he also said that bed rest probably wouldn't make anything better. Bed rest was more like a psychological band aid- it makes you feel like you are at least doing something to help in a helpless situation. By the next day I no longer had the bright red blood - I was now just having a small amount of brownish blood- I took this as a good sign. Like I wasn't bleeding anymore- and this was just the old stuff coming out. I spoke with the nurse at my infertility doctor's office and she told me that I should try not to worry too much because this problem is fairly common after having IVF- she acted like it was no big deal. This made me feel a whole lot better after all the miscarriage talk from Dr. Fogwell. I had an appointment with a perinatologist (doctor who specializes in troubled pregnancies basically) the following day and they did a very fancy ultrasound. He (Dr. Patton) told us that the baby looked strong and that the bleed looked small and inactive. He told us our chances were great that everything would be OK! I even wrote in my little pregnancy journal that day " We feel better - but I will be happy when all the blood is gone and this 1st trimester is over . This kid is freaking me out!"
I have to mention my Aunt Carolyn gave me a little medallion and a novena card for Saint Gerard right around the time we were getting into this whole thing. Saint Gerard is the patron saint for mothers. I started saying that novena "religiously" (no pun intended) from the moment we started the IVF process. I think it helped. I really do. I'm not even a Catholic but a was praying that novena like a bonafide Catholic everyday multiple times a day.
After that scare resolved I motored along just fine- I really felt okay- I was not having any morning sickness to speak of- just a little heartburn. I wrote in my journal on June 4th (7 weeks along)- "Mom brought me to get maternity clothes today. Still feels pretty unreal (being pregnant). I'll believe it when I can feel it. I guess I'm paranoid or I'm protecting myself- But this is all very surreal right now. I'm sure after we get past this 1st trimester I'll feel more secure. We'll see."

They heard the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler on my mother's birthday (June 10th) and then they could start weaning me off the Progesterone shots- my 1st trimester came to an end on June 24th. I was still feeling so worried and I wrote alot in my journal about how I didn't "feel or look pregnant."
I found out on August 10th when I was 17 weeks along that we were having a girl. We were so excited-I felt like the pregnancy was now legit!!
Another weird thing happened at my 28 week check- when they did the regular labwork they found warm antibodies in my blood- the concern being that my blood would attack the babies blood and cause her to become anemic. Now we have to see the perinatologist once a week for a fancy sonogram to make sure she is okay- this is fine with me - I love the sonograms and seeing her moving around in there- it makes me feel so much better!!
Around 31 weeks along I started to have some horrible rib pain. I swear it felt like she broke my ribs. It was miserable for about a week and then miraculously it stopped one day. I assume she moved! Finally at my 39 week check they decided that she was big enough (6 1/2 pounds by sonogram) and decided that I should go in the hospital on December 28th to be induced- exactly 1 week early. I was freaked out this was real- I was really going to be a mom. Yikes!!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part- Embryo Transfer and waiting to see if we are pregnant

So its funny the things that you remember. You have to have a full bladder before the transfer- because it tilts the uterus just right or something- so I drank like a 44 ounce cup of water on the way to the hospital. I don't remember exactly but I think that they gave me something like a Valium or an Ativan to calm me down and then they brought me and my husband into the room to do the transfer. They told us at that point that we had 2 blastocysts and that they were graded at a "B" and a "C." My doctor asked if we wanted to transfer only one or both- I told him both without hesitation. I thought that if there were not "A" quality that if we put 2 in at least one would "take." So I was lying there having to pee like crazy and they let my husband - Mike- look through the microscope to see the little blastocysts that would hopefully become our children. They even took a picture which I attached to the previous entry.
They then placed a little rubber catheter into the opening of the uterus (cervix) and basically squirted the little critters into me. It was so fast. I was expecting to feel something "big" but really all I could think about was how bad I had to pee and how I didn't want to because I was afraid that I would pee the babies out!! They had my hips up on a pillow and wheeled me out into a waiting room and I had to lie there for about 30-60 minutes. I was freaking out because I had to pee so bad but wanted to hold it. Finally after the correct amount of time had passed they allowed me to go the bathroom on a bedpan. I remember thinking - even though I am a registered nurse and I "know" that it is physically impossible- but in my mind I really thought that I had "peed the babies out"- maybe it was the Valium. I didn't want to sit up and I definitely didn't want to walk or to stand up but I had to get to the car somehow- they wheeled me down to the car in a wheelchair and I quickly got into the car and laid down in the backseat. Again thinking that just standing up made the babies flop out. I was a wreck!!
When we got home I did not want to get up from the couch. I was so afraid that any movement would disturb the little guys from implanting. I just laid there thinking the worst but hoping for the best. They told me that I only needed 2 days of bed rest but I don't think that I got up for 3 days except to go to the bathroom. I also started on the progesterone shots which were quite literally a pain in the ass. At some point about 6 days after the transfer I started spotting- I thought that was it. I freaked out completely - I called the doctor and they assured me that it could be nothing- that it could be from the embryo implanting. When you have the procedure done they warn you against doing a home pregnancy test. They tell you that you go home and wait 9 days and then go in for a blood test to see if you are pregnant. That was the longest 9 days of my life. I was convinced that if hadn't worked because of the spotting that I had. So when the day came for the blood test I was expecting them to tell me that I was not pregnant.
I gave the blood in the morning and then went to work - I was working as a school nurse at a middle school at the time. I told them that I wanted them to call my husband with the results because I would rather hear the bad news from him than from a stranger. I got the call from Mike around lunchtime- I was pregnant and the "numbers" were pretty high which could mean that I had twins but we would have a sonogram to see at 5 weeks. I would continue on Progesterone shots daily and go in for weekly lab work to make sure that the pregnancy hormones were going up and the progesterone levels were right. So I was actually pregnant. I could not believe it. I was shocked- and so very very happy!!

And we're off!! Egg Donor contracted and meds started

After about 2 months (really 2 periods for me) they checked my uterine lining again and let me know that the lining was at the perfect thickness for an egg to implant. In the meatime the donor had been on numerous different medications to stimulate her egg production. For me at this point everything was very easy- I was only taking Estrogen except higher doses and then Prometrium to cause me to have a period. The donor was taking shots and having frequent sonograms to measure her follicles etc. They did keep us updated on "how she was doing". Since she was a "big girl" she wound up having to take more medication which is pretty expensive. Finally we got to the point where my uterus was ready and she had a bunch of eggs. So one day my husband went up to the hospital and gave that fateful sperm sample (no pressure) and the donor had a procedure to retrieve the eggs from her ovaries. We would up with something like 20 eggs to start with. My husbands sperm was put in the mix and now we had to wait for 5 days. Every day they called to let us know how our little embryos were doing. We started off with 20 eggs on April 15th. By April 16th only 13 fertilized. From there the numbers dropped everyday. It was a little disheartening! On April 17th we had 8 excellent, 3 good, 1 average and 1 poor little guy was discarded. The next day (April 18th) we only had 5 excellent, 3 good, 3 average and 1 very poor. I was really hoping for multiple embryos so that we could freeze some for future use. Oh well! By day 5 we only had 2 blastocysts and they grade them like A, B, C- these were a B and a B-. I was truly freaking out- I didn't understand how we went from 20 eggs to 2 blastocysts that were possibly substandard! I was a wreck- but the doctor assured me that many pregnancies result from "B" blastocysts. I wasn't convinced but what can you do?
On thing to mention at this point- the hospital I went to does a day 5 transfer- this means that they put the egg and sperm together and let them fertilize and grow for 5 days before they put them in the recipient (me!). In the past most transfers were done at 3 days. This is still done sometimes. My doctor explained to me that they have a much higher pregnancy rate when they wait 5 days because the embryos that last 5 days in the lab as very strong and viable! I think I had something like 8 embryos at day 3- so to go from 8 to 2 was very scary for me. I also to this day wonder if I had the transfer at day three - would it have worked and then I could have frozen some but I will never know!
So the day had come - we had 2 blastocysts my uterus was just right and it was our day of reckoning. We were gonna leave pregnant or brokenhearted!

Picking a Donor- what should I look for??

Choosing a donor was an adventure in and of itself. It is a very sobering feeling choosing the genetic basis for your future child. We got in touch with our local Egg Donation Center recommended by Dr. Rodriguez and they started sending us profiles of donors based on some of our preferences. I wanted someone young and with a good family health history ( no cancer or genetic disorders). Also getting a bunch I forwarded a picture of myself to the center and asked that they try to find someone with similar physical characteristics.
The profiles consisted of about a 5 page health history which also included a picture of the woman's face and her health history along with histories of her siblings, parents and both sets of grandparents. The histories were pretty comprehensive.
There were a lot of donor s that I could eliminate immediately because of their picture. There were others that I eliminated immediately because of something in their family history that bothered me. I was getting frustrated because I just wasn't finding someone that I felt good about.
After looking at about 30 of these profiles I was finally sent a few that I liked. I actually found 3 that I wanted to consider. It came down to a few factors at this point. If a girl was local she would be a lot cheaper- you pay any travel fees that the girl would incur. Also if she had already donated then she would not need certain very expensive lab tests that we would have to pay for. The final deciding factor was if she was available to donate in the time period that we were looking for. After all these considerations we wound up with only one that fit all the criteria that we had set. Getting a local proven donor could save you a few thousand dollars so it is significant! The cost not including all of her medication-was around $6000 and I believe that she got $3000 of that! So we got the contract and everyone signed it. She was local Available and had donated 3 previous times with 2 babies resulting. She was 21 years old and very pretty and 6 foot 1 inch! I thought that was cool because my husband is only 5'7" so a little height never hurt anyone!
We were set to start! My husband had to have a sperm count done and I had to have a "saline sonogram" done of my uterus to make sure that I didn't have any issues with my uterus that would interfere with carrying a child. Luckily both of these tests turned out fine. We were ready to start on this wild ride they gave me a calender and all I really needed to do was to take the hormones that I was already taking but just more of them and on certain days. Piece of cake for me - donor was the one that had to have the shots on the other painful things. It was really easy for me!

Talking it out: Therapy- what worked and what didn't

Around this time I finally got into some much needed therapy. I was so lost - I was mad at my sister, I couldn't get along with my husband for more than 1 day at a time and was still drinking and smoking like there was no tomorrow. I could not make a decision on what to do about having a family. On one hand I couldn't imagine living my life without a child. On the other hand - I was fighting with Mike so much - I wasn't even sure that our marriage would last - so why bring a child into it? I had to resolve some issues it really felt like my whole life was going out of my control.
My therapist really helped me work out my anger towards my sister. I had felt very betrayed by her when she was not approved for the egg donation- but I realized that this was a huge thing to ask of someone and if she was in the least bit uncomfortable with it - it would be best not to use her- I mean the ramifications would be too huge- everyone really would need to be 100% OK with it in order for it to work.
That being said- I had to now really consider using an anonymous donor. I initially thought that this would be too weird (like using my sister's egg wouldn't be?) but now that Tara's egg was out of the question our options were really getting limited.
I also through talking to my therapist realized that I was picking fights with Mike - just trying to get him to leave me. I still thought that he deserved a fertile wife. Someone who didn't have the reproductive plumbing of a 90 year old. I guess I thought if he wouldn't leave me of his own accord- then I would push him until he had no other choice. I always say Mike's either a crazy man or he really loves me- because he never left. He took the crazy ride with me. I decided that I had to stop picking at him - I deserved a good husband and he deserved a non-psycho wife. And we both deserved a child.
We spoke with Dr. Rodriguez after my sister was vetoed from giving us an egg - and he said that he really thought that we would be happier with an anonymous donor anyway. A lot of the uncomfortableness would be avoided. There would not be anyone to be uncomfortable around. Also when we asked him what the benefits to using an anonymous egg donor was as opposed to adoption this is how he explained it- and it made a lot of sense to us:
He told us that its kind of like you are adopting the egg. He said that there is more and more research that shows that many learning disabilities and emotional problems are related to/caused by lack of prenatal care. He told us that by me carrying the child I would have complete control over what goes into my body and therefore into the baby's developing body. You have no idea how the mother of an adopted child took care of herself during the pregnancy. Of course the other benefits are that the child is half Mike's and that I would get to experience a pregnancy. He also told us that the success rates were very good especially with a young egg donor and as long as I had no uterine issues. He told us that we could have up to a 80% chance of getting pregnant. That's not 100% but sounded a lot better that the 50-60% chance that I had been told before.
We decided to go for it. We had been married for 4 years I wasn't getting any younger we thought- its time to shit or get off the pot!

Around this same time my therapist encouraged me to get into a Mind and Body Group for infertile women. I was very hesitant to get into this group. I wasn't sure what I could get out of if. It is a very good program for women experiencing infertility problems - it uses a whole body approach to helping women achieve pregnancy. I thought she was nuts to refer me there because I could meditate and eat a raw diet until the cows came home and I'm pretty sure that my ovaries would still look like craisins. But I let her talk me into it. . .
I will say that I met a lot of lovely people in the group- some that I still keep in touch with- but I would tell other POF women that perhaps if you are looking for a support group -Mind and Body ( http://www.infertilitymindbody.com/index.htm ) might not be the best one for you. This program is really more for women who have a less severe problem. At times I felt very freakish because what was wrong with me was so different from everyone else. People were talking about IUI's and Clomid and laproscopy and other treatments that would never work for someone with POF. It was weird to feel so isolated even in a room full of infertile women. Although I will say that after being in this group I made a decision that I would try IVF no more than 2 times. I did not want to let infertility take up any more of my life. There were some women that had been dealing with infertility for 10+ years- doing multiple IVF attempts and inseminations and suffering multiple miscarriages. I felt so horrible for them. I thought that I needed to go into this with clearly defined limits of what I was emotionally, physically and financially ready to handle. For me I decided to use the old philosophy to hope for the best- but to expect the worst. I wanted so bad for this to work- but I didn't want to get my hopes up too much- that would be be such a long way to fall. . .