Surrender

It's been almost 8 years since I finally surrendered to my POF and decided to start a family using Egg Donation. I haven't written a post in so long- but for some reason this morning I was inspired. I had a dream that I got pregnant. Now- at age 41. No help. I am not really sure how I would feel about that if it were to happen. If you had asked me 13 years ago- my feelings were drastically different.

My husband and I just celebrated 13 years of marriage. I found out I had POF pretty much 2-3 months afterwards- I was 28 years old. Barren. Infertile. An emotional wreck. I went to doctors, acupuncture, psychics- I read everything I could find on the Internet. I scoured the forums on the POFSupport web page- grasping for a ray of hope. Knowing in my heart- that I would beat this. I would have my own child. I just had to. After a few years- I lost hope. I thought I was being punished. I thought God didn't think I would be a good mother. I drank. A lot.

I went to a support group for women with infertility about 4 years into this and it only pissed me off. I was with a bunch of ladies crying because they had 2 miscarriages. Or because they had 1 child and they couldn't get pregnant again- even though it had only been 6 months. There were a couple of women who really had no business having children. Their discussions seemed more about how they wanted a child - not how they wanted to be a mother (but that is another entry entirely). By the end of the 2 month support group about 50% of the women were pregnant. And within 6 months all but one of the ladies had gotten pregnant. Using their own eggs. I couldn't help but think - these ladies didn't really have a problem to begin with. Now me- I have a serious problem. There is no amount of counseling, meditation, relaxation or good nutrition that is going to help my ovaries start working again. Being in that group- listening to that crap for 2 months really put things into perspective for me.

I realized that this wasn't just about the end result- it was about the journey. I didn't want to do this by "any means necessary." I wanted to be a mom. All my inner-turmoil and self-hate for the last 5 years wasn't getting me any closer to where I ultimately wanted to be. If I wanted to be a mom- if I wanted to "beat" this Ovarian Failure- I would have to SURRENDER to it. 

I had to admit that I would NEVER get pregnant on my own- unless a miracle occurred. I could not allow myself to waste another day waiting on a miracle that may never happen. I had to stop reading all the posts on infertility websites and forums. I hate to say this - but somebody has to- there is a lot of false hope fostered on those forums. Reading all the posts can make you actually go crazy. If you really truly have what I have - Premature Ovarian Failure- and your ovaries are shriveled up at the age of 28- you are not going to "fix it." Your ship has sailed. Make new plans.

Its amazing the power you have when you finally admit that you have no power. This is not a revelation that is unique to me and my situation. But it's so simple and has so many applications- its worth repeating. SURRENDER.

To anyone who is reading my words and is going through something like I went through: don't waste your life on what-ifs and maybes. Surrendering is not admitting defeat. Admitting you are powerless against things you can't control can actually give you power over the things that you can control.

In my case- when I finally gave up the fantasy of getting pregnant on  my own. I took back the control. I made a decision to try IVF using an anonymous egg donor. I made a plan- I would try IVF 2 times and if I had no success I  would adopt. That plan gave me comfort. I knew that in the end - I would be mom and my husband and I would be parents.  We were extremely lucky and blessed that the IVF worked on the 1st try. I made a decision when I was pregnant that I would never look at my child as anything but mine - although she was conceived with a donor egg. And honestly- that has been the easiest part.

Which I guess brings me back to the dream that started me thinking. At this point in my life- I am content. No not just content. I am happy. I have a beautiful, sassy 7 year old. She is so much like me. She looks like her dad- but not unlike me. She is perfect. If I were to pop up pregnant after all this at my age- I don't know how I would feel. I guess I would hope for the best and love that child like I love Vivian. But the point is- I don't need that to happen. I am fine status quo.