Me and My Raisin Ovaries- Alternative Therapies and More Bad News

I had a few sonograms during this time period and I never ceased to be amazed by some of the insensitive comments. Comments ranging from "My God this looks like a 90 year old woman's sono" to "oh my Gosh your ovaries are shriveled up like raisins." Yes someone actually said that to me. I can actually laugh about it now. But at the time it was akin to a knife in the gut. A sonogram of a woman my age should show plump juicy ovarian tissue ripe with follicles ready to release eggs and make babies. My sonograms showed ovaries so "shriveled" that they could not be visualized or so small and pitiful that they would garner "raisin" comparisons. I would inevitably walk out of the clinic in a state of deep and profound melancholy.

It was at some point here where I decided to try a more "Eastern" approach to dealing with my infertility. I had read about women who had regained their fertility by practicing yoga or by eating a special diet or trying different herbs. I thought - what could it hurt- I mean my ovaries can't be any more shriveled up.

I went to an acupuncture clinic- actually it was a school of Oriental Medicine in Dallas and I saw a student but was also seen by the faculty members. I was a novelty there. They obviously had never seen a woman my age dealing with the hot flashes and other menopausal symptoms I was having. I actually (probably foolishly) got off of my hormones and took some Chinese herbs -weird waxy pellets and some of the most disgusting "tea" that I have ever come across. I also had acupuncture every week. I will say that although it did not magically "cure" my infertility it was interesting and the acupuncture was strangely relaxing and it did lessen the symptoms a bit.

After a few months of that I figured this probably wasn't going to restore my baby making ability so I went back on my HRT and continued with the excessive lifestyle that I was becoming way too accustomed to. My marriage was in trouble. We fought a lot. I found myself picking fights with him about everything. Sometimes for good reason and sometimes just being totally bitchy. For some reason at this time I figured the time was right to talk about IVF.

We actually went to see our RE (Dr. Alfred J. Rodriguez- he is fantastic) and set up the psychological evaluation for my sister and us to proceed with the egg donation. My sister had since gotten married and when the time for the psych evaluation came they would not approve my sister to donate for us. I am not 100% sure why - although I think my sister had second thoughts and her then-husband (they are divorced now) apparently had expressed some reservations. So AGAIN I am completely devastated. I thought that the psych eval was going to be a formality but instead it made us completely rethink our plans.

I had initially thought that using an anonymous donor would just be too weird. That at least my sister had the same DNA as me so it was the next best thing to me. I had said that if I couldn't use my sister I wouldn't do donor egg at all. I HAVE HAD TO EAT SO MANY WORDS SINCE THIS WHOLE THING STARTED. I was back at square one. It had taken me 3+ years to convince myself that using my sister's egg wasn't too weird and now I had to convince myself that using a complete stranger's egg was the right choice for me. Once again I was consumed with doubts- is God trying to tell me something?

Living With Premature Ovarian Failure- What a Sucky Way to Start a Marriage!

So I got on the HRT and the Fosamax for my Osteopenia (low bone density)as well as Prozac for my ever darkening mood. My hot flashes were almost constant. It felt like there was a fire lit right at the base of my neck and my entire face and ears would become bright red - people would actually comment on it so I know it wasn't all in my head. I also had terrible vaginal dryness and my skin was dry and I was terribly constipated all the time. It hurt to have sex. I felt like an old lady. Actually my mother was 55 years old at the time and had just gone through menopause and her symptoms weren't even as bad as mine.

As the hormones started working the symptoms got a little bit better but they were never completely relieved. I got involved in an online support group for ladies with POF and got a lot of information that way. I decided to use Vivelle Dot patches and Prometrium as opposed to the Estrace and Provera. I felt a lot better on the patch estrogen than I did taking the pills. Not sure why- but they just seemed to work better. Also the Provera made me completely homicidal (not really but close) and the Prometrium was a little better. Still it was so strange being 28 years old and having to deal with all of this. I was self conscious about getting undressed at the pool etc. because I had the patches on I was afraid of what people would think.

During this time I started doing a lot of drinking. I was fighting with my husband constantly. I felt like God was punishing me- that there must be a reason why nature deemed me an unfit parent. I thought - okay my family history is a little strange but there are a lot of people with weird families that have a lot of kids. Why me? I questioned everything. I vacillated between wanting to have a baby and then thinking that if God chose to make me this way then I must not be meant to be a mother. I thought my husband deserved better- someone who could give him a family - someone who was more womanly. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually a wreck. I was drinking just about every night to dull my senses and my marriage suffered for it. For some reason which I still to this day cannot figure out- Mike stuck around. He must either be crazy or he must love me a lot or maybe a little bit of both.


My sister had offered herself and her eggs to us if we wanted to use them - but I was no where near ready for this. And actually she wound up getting pregnant herself a couple of months after I was diagnosed. She was so afraid to tell me - I think that she thought that I would freak out. But instead I remember when she told me I was so happy. I refused to be one of those infertile women who couldn't be happy for other people when they got pregnant or who would freak out around children and babies. I refused to live my life that way.

I was so pleased to hear that Tara (my sister) was pregnant- her circumstances were such that the father was not going to be involved in the baby's life (that's another story altogether)so I was really able to be involved with her pregnancy and then with the birth. I got to be in the delivery room and cut the cord when my beautiful niece Nelka was born. I felt and still feel very close to her- perhaps more so because of what I was going through at the time. At times it felt like just having a strong bond with my niece and being a good aunt would be enough and that maybe I could live without a child of my own. But the desire was still there. I just wasn't sure what to do yet.

I was working as an RN and most of my co-workers knew about my situation. I actually found out about my diagnoses at work- so most of them got to see my complete breakdown. So as time went on I would talk to people about my situation and my options. I remember one particular incident when I was speaking with a pediatrician I was working with and I told her I was considering using egg donation and specifically my sister as a donor. Her response was "God- that would just be too weird. That wouldn't even be your baby." I thought to myself you insensitive bitch. I had 3 options as I saw it- adoption, egg donation or living child-free. None of these options were ideal - of course I would rather have sex with my husband and have a child like everyone else. I didn't like my options better than anyone else- but for her to respond that way really struck a chord with me.

I was filled with doubt - I thought I was ready to use an egg donor- but maybe she was right- would it all just be too freaky. Would I screw up the poor kid - should I just leave well enough alone and enjoy my niece? I really retreated into myself more and started thinking that perhaps this lady was right and I just wasn't meant for motherhood.