Talking it out: Therapy- what worked and what didn't

Around this time I finally got into some much needed therapy. I was so lost - I was mad at my sister, I couldn't get along with my husband for more than 1 day at a time and was still drinking and smoking like there was no tomorrow. I could not make a decision on what to do about having a family. On one hand I couldn't imagine living my life without a child. On the other hand - I was fighting with Mike so much - I wasn't even sure that our marriage would last - so why bring a child into it? I had to resolve some issues it really felt like my whole life was going out of my control.
My therapist really helped me work out my anger towards my sister. I had felt very betrayed by her when she was not approved for the egg donation- but I realized that this was a huge thing to ask of someone and if she was in the least bit uncomfortable with it - it would be best not to use her- I mean the ramifications would be too huge- everyone really would need to be 100% OK with it in order for it to work.
That being said- I had to now really consider using an anonymous donor. I initially thought that this would be too weird (like using my sister's egg wouldn't be?) but now that Tara's egg was out of the question our options were really getting limited.
I also through talking to my therapist realized that I was picking fights with Mike - just trying to get him to leave me. I still thought that he deserved a fertile wife. Someone who didn't have the reproductive plumbing of a 90 year old. I guess I thought if he wouldn't leave me of his own accord- then I would push him until he had no other choice. I always say Mike's either a crazy man or he really loves me- because he never left. He took the crazy ride with me. I decided that I had to stop picking at him - I deserved a good husband and he deserved a non-psycho wife. And we both deserved a child.
We spoke with Dr. Rodriguez after my sister was vetoed from giving us an egg - and he said that he really thought that we would be happier with an anonymous donor anyway. A lot of the uncomfortableness would be avoided. There would not be anyone to be uncomfortable around. Also when we asked him what the benefits to using an anonymous egg donor was as opposed to adoption this is how he explained it- and it made a lot of sense to us:
He told us that its kind of like you are adopting the egg. He said that there is more and more research that shows that many learning disabilities and emotional problems are related to/caused by lack of prenatal care. He told us that by me carrying the child I would have complete control over what goes into my body and therefore into the baby's developing body. You have no idea how the mother of an adopted child took care of herself during the pregnancy. Of course the other benefits are that the child is half Mike's and that I would get to experience a pregnancy. He also told us that the success rates were very good especially with a young egg donor and as long as I had no uterine issues. He told us that we could have up to a 80% chance of getting pregnant. That's not 100% but sounded a lot better that the 50-60% chance that I had been told before.
We decided to go for it. We had been married for 4 years I wasn't getting any younger we thought- its time to shit or get off the pot!

Around this same time my therapist encouraged me to get into a Mind and Body Group for infertile women. I was very hesitant to get into this group. I wasn't sure what I could get out of if. It is a very good program for women experiencing infertility problems - it uses a whole body approach to helping women achieve pregnancy. I thought she was nuts to refer me there because I could meditate and eat a raw diet until the cows came home and I'm pretty sure that my ovaries would still look like craisins. But I let her talk me into it. . .
I will say that I met a lot of lovely people in the group- some that I still keep in touch with- but I would tell other POF women that perhaps if you are looking for a support group -Mind and Body ( http://www.infertilitymindbody.com/index.htm ) might not be the best one for you. This program is really more for women who have a less severe problem. At times I felt very freakish because what was wrong with me was so different from everyone else. People were talking about IUI's and Clomid and laproscopy and other treatments that would never work for someone with POF. It was weird to feel so isolated even in a room full of infertile women. Although I will say that after being in this group I made a decision that I would try IVF no more than 2 times. I did not want to let infertility take up any more of my life. There were some women that had been dealing with infertility for 10+ years- doing multiple IVF attempts and inseminations and suffering multiple miscarriages. I felt so horrible for them. I thought that I needed to go into this with clearly defined limits of what I was emotionally, physically and financially ready to handle. For me I decided to use the old philosophy to hope for the best- but to expect the worst. I wanted so bad for this to work- but I didn't want to get my hopes up too much- that would be be such a long way to fall. . .